We’ve all heard a wedding toast or two that made us cringe—and gave us a healthy fear of handing over the microphone at our own weddings. But whatever you’ve witnessed in the past, prepare yourself for something even worse: Seven wedding toasts so horrifying you won’t want to believe they’re real.

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1. Some toasts you never forget—no matter how much you’d like to. Take this grossly sexist speech Franklin heard more than 15 years ago and can still remember word for word: “The father on the groom said, ‘A wife is like a good tile floor,’” Franklin recalls. “‘If you lay it correctly, you can walk all over it for years.’” Yuck.

2. Even best men make wedding toast blunders. And, according to Sue, the best man at her brother-in-law’s wedding made a big one. “The best man raised his glass and instead of saying the bride and groom’s first names, he said the groom and the groom’s ex-girlfriend’s names,” she recalls. “There was a moment of stunned silence, and I am not sure the best man was ever fully exonerated for the faux pas.”

3. Nerves can get the best of us all—even April, who, as a singer, is used to being center stage in front of a crowd. “I was nervous—and I had a few drinks to deal with the nerves, which only made it worse,” says April, who remembers giving a toast that went something like, “When we were young Amy would only eat hot dogs. She knew there were other foods out there, but hot dogs were her only choice. Charlie, you are just like that—the only hot dog Amy will ever eat for the rest of her life.” Yep—she went there. “As you can imagine, there was silence, some laughter, and I think I repressed everything else thereafter,” April says.